| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2008|02:41 am] |
So....
I'm sure there is a lot to say, so let's cover some of the typical update stuff before I get into my emo ranting.
I'm fine. Happy, even.
Everyone here is super excited to meet my little girl this december.
She's due December 8th. I'm a little freaked out. Oh well. It's a little late to turn back now.
For anyone who'd like the backstory on me, my husband, and all that crap...
WELL...
I met Josh.... We started going out.
I was on birth control, AND we were using condoms, and a month after we got together, I was knocked up.
We'd talked about getting an abortion, but in the end, OBVIOUSLY, I chose to keep the baby.
We sorta knew we dug eachother, and that we were planning on staying together and getting married some day, anyway.... so... we decided to push "someday" a few years forward, and got married June 13th.
He's pretty awesome.
He hasn't left me... and I've tried tog et him to serveral times.
haha.
(No, really, I have.)
He's pretty much exactly what I needed and never wanted.
As awful as that might sound, it's not.
Because I KNOW he's what I need, even though he's not what I thought I wanted, and I appreciate him for what he really is.
I think that way about most of my life, as a whole, right now.
I always thought I REALLY wanted to live in a big city, and have all sorts of excitment, and instability, and all that jazz. I always thought living in a small town, and just being happy would be too boring.
But it's not.
being stable, and feeling loved is so much more awesome than I thought it would be.
Now for something competely different:
I talked to Brandon.
Well, first I e-mailed him, but he told me to call him and after playing phone tag for a week, I got to talk to him.
It was SO NICE to get to clear some things up with him....
OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT... I had this HUGE deep post about how I miss having friends I felt close to, and not just people who love me because they love my husband... BUT OTIS is talking to me, in Turnip and I don't feel like it, now... so... I might do it later.
Kay. |
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| p.s. |
[May. 20th, 2008|02:46 pm] |
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OTIS... Quit making livejournals, Freak. |
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| For those of you who still read Livejournal, and/or are not on my myspace |
[Mar. 28th, 2008|02:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The strangest thing has happend.....
I'm happy.
It's a little hard to say that, because every time I do, it fuckin falls apart, but... I'm saying it anyway.
I have a job I mostly like.
I have a bed to sleep in.
And... I have a rockin' boyfriend.
I'm going to be twenty FIVE this year, and that blows. I'm not ready to be old... but... anyway... things are good. |
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| OMG JENN IS STILL ALIVE |
[Nov. 30th, 2007|01:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
So... For a while, LJ was blocked on the computers at the library... Now... suddenly, it's not.
SO HORRAY.
Anyway. Life sucks. My job is okay. I love my new car.... I think that about covers it, right?
Yeah, in case you didn't know, I left LA. because Dave wanted to spend more time trying to bang some ugly married tramp... SO GOOD FOR HIM.
I'm back in cali, where, really, I belong.
And... uhm... I guess that's all.
Met ANOTHER dude named Brandon a few weeks ago. Didn't really pan out as well as the first two did (LOLZ @ THE FIRST TWO BEING WELL!! I CRACK ME UP)
SO... That's all, I guess. I'm fucking 24. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPPEN!?
Call me, Text me, SOMETHING!
I MISS PEOPLE! |
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| Stuff and things |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|05:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
So, like... I am going to start posting again.
I'm going to start by adding all the blogs I made on my OKC here, and, like, backdating them, and whatnot.
Anyway.
I decided I don't care if no one reads what I write, or something... so... I guess I can just write the crap no one will read here.
Woot.
p.s.
I'm moving to washington |
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| Entangled |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|01:02 pm] |
Let me say this VERY clearly... (or jenn-type clearly, anyway)
It's one of the few things I have a strong, unchaning opnion on... so if you disagree with this... me and you are going to have at least one vital thing we will never agree on.
I would NEVER get involved with someone who's already seeing someone else. Married, dating, or even oogle-eyeing, in some cases.
It's just NOT worth it.
If someone's already made a commitment and gotten attached to someone who is not me, but they're trying to fuck me anyway... I don't want them.
I have an extrem lack of interest in sex with no strings... (I LIKE MY STRINGS.) and if someone's trying to get in my pants... and is already in someone else's, the first things I ALWAYS think are
"how would I feel if *I* was that girl"
and
"If I got involved with this person... I *will* be that girl someday"
And... if you're someone who's okay with having affairs, or HELPING someone else have them... I'm harsh.
And I'll think you're an asshole for it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|12:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
Okay.
I think I am crazy.
"well, Jenn, we all know that already. In fact... that thought... is correct!" you're thinking, right?
Well... dude... I have a new reason.
I've been single for, what? 3 months or so... and I'm *actually* starting to freak out and think I'm never going to be in a relationship again.
WTF?
Three months.
I've gone years single, and I never cared.
I KNOW I don't even want to deal with the whole... having to meet someone, and play the games... you know the ones... where you try to be your cutest, funniest, most attractive self for a TOTAL STRANGER so they'll fall madly in love with you... or the fucked up part-way true idea of you you're sticking out there for them.
I know I don't really feel like doing all that crap right now.
I should be *greatful* I'm single, and not having to do all that...
...but I go to sleep by myself every night.
And I have no idea when... or even IF that's ever going to change.
After three months!
Dude.
I know I'm being insane.
Of corse I'll date someone again. And it'll be great, and fun, and great fun.
Ugh.
I just think... I am in a slump.
This post = Jenn in a slump.
And you know another thing?
Honestly... I don't think I would date a single person on the whole of OKC right now.
For two INSANE reasons.
One... if they actually DID read my blog... I would feel too vunerable, and like they already know too much & get freaked out.
Two... if they DIDN'T read my blog, I would assume they're -NOT- into me enough, and I shouldn't waste the time on them.
What sort of fucked up logic is that?
It's Jenn logic. |
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| Sick: Note To My Future Ex #12 |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|02:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
This is not a note to my future ex.
The last thing on earth I want right now is another ex.
I am so sick of love.
Or everything that leads up to getting there.
I'm sick of playing the games.
And I'm sick of the flirting. Trying to be funny, and cute. Trying to be engaging.
Having "a good time".
Not that I don't want to have a good time.
I am just sick of that being all I ever have.
When I go home tonight, I will still go home alone.
I know I am going to have another ex.
Most likely, I'll have quite a few more exs.
I know the chance that the next person I date will be the last is pretty much slim to none.
The thought of that, right now... makes me so pissed off, and sick of even trying.
I don't need one more person whom I won't even know in a year.
I want to meet that person, who when I see them... fireworks go off.
That person who when I hold them, they just feel like home.
That person I can just come home to and be with.
That expects nothing out of me.
That person who challanges me, and pushes me to become more.
That person I've had.
I almost hate that I've had it.
Because I can't stand the thought of setteling, now.
I know what that feels like.
And I want it again.
I'm sick of good times.
I'm sick of "hanging out".
I'm sick of talking.
I'm sick of meeting pleanty of wonderful folks when I am sure it's never going to lead anywhere.
Or at least never lead where I want to be.
There was a while when I wasn't sure what I was looking for out of being here anymore... well... I'm sure, my gentel readers.
I want to find a husband.
Or at least something close to that (I know marrage scares the hell out of a
lot of people... especially the ones I tend to like, it seems. I don't care that much about a wedding. When I say husband, I mean the real part of marrage. The relationship part of it)
I want to find someone who... I guess who will stay found.
Someone who will be there a year from now.
Five years from now.
And, for the love of god, I am SO sick of looking for him. |
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| Not That Girl; Note To My Future Ex #11 |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|02:00 pm] |
So, here is the thing.
I'm afraid to meet anyone I really like that I've met online.
Being afraid doesn't mean I WON'T because I have, and will... but it sort of freaks me out.
Sometimes it freaks me out a ton, sometimes not that much (the times it's not that much is typically when I don't care what the person I'm meeting will think of me anyway)
I don't think I properly impart what it's like to be around me by the things I say online, or on the phone.
I mean, I try to be myself as much as I can... but really, I'm not. I'm myself once you know me. Not the myself you'll see when you meet me the first time.
It's basically like this.... when I write something online, being myself is easy, because I can assume no one will read it, or the people that do are people I know really well, anyway. In fact, when I started this blog, I never expected any reaction from anyone, ever. I just never thought any perfect strangers would read anything I have to say.
That's the reason I write them like I'm talking to someone I know really well.... or more often than not.... someone I would LIKE to know really well.
I know I still come off sometimes like a typical girl.
Look, guys... I. am. not. girly.
At all.
I don't fix my hair.
I wear pretty much no makeup.
I don't dress girly.
I don't dress up at all, in fact.
I wear jeans. And boys t-shirts. And combat boots (or flip flops depending on the weather)
I work a job where I get dirty every day.
I have a burn on my hand from battery acid. I get cuts and marks all the time from work.
I get cuts and marks all the time from just being me.
I'm not that graceful.
I run into things.
I really am a huge nerd.
And you really will take back every time you've tried to call me sexy once you see me in person.
I actually started writing this whole thing after I started talking to someone I liked alot, and I wanted to TRY and prepare them as much as I could for who I really am... and am not.
But I think he's one of the people who doesn't read this, anyway.
....actually... I think I told him not to because I've made a few posts about him.
I don't write EVERYTHING I write directed at any one person.
In fact, very very little of it is... but I did meet this person, and I thought this is what I would want a guy like that to know about me beforehand.
....or something.
I am going off on 3 different tangets, so I am JUST GOING TO STOP NOW.
I have shopping to do.
I need to make cookies. |
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| Obsession; Note To My Future Ex 10 |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
So, I listen to the Adam Corrolla show pretty much every week day.
I really sorta can't stand Danny.
I think he's stupid.
Except when he starts talking about his wife.
He's Deranged stalker-type in love with her. He almost seems like he hates her sometimes, but it comes off like he's mad at her because he loves her so much.
It reminds me of how Kevin Smith talked about his wife on An Evening With Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder.
How she really did become the only woman who existed to him.
And I reminds me of this one time when my ex told me he was "at least visually aware" of every guy I had friended on myspace.
Most women, if they heard that, they'd be like "WHY? Crazy stalker-man!"
Not me.
I think it was SO sweet.
I know I get like that with people I'm really into.
I can become *dangerously* into someone.
So, I always think it's really awesome when I see men can be all insane in the same way.
...And I really do think it's sweet.
I *highly* doubt it, but maybe someday I'll meet a guy who think it's sorta cute that I'm into him that much.
....*so* doubt it.
I'll be lucky to find one who can just sorta deal with it.
But... yeah.
I totally had most of this post planned out in my head 3 days ago, and I forgot the rest of what I was going to say. This is basically just the bare bones of the idea I had... OH WELL. That is all you get. |
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| Cop Out: Note To My Future Ex #9 |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|01:54 pm] |
Yeah... I don't have a real post. I just wanted to post these lyrics, because I LOVE THEM.
This is my current favorite song.
She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought thats escaped her mind
She says dads the one I love the most
But stipes not far behind
She never lets me in
Only tell me wheres shes been
When shes had too much to drink
I say that I dont care I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to god
You gotta help me fly away
And just...
Let her cry...
if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...
if it eases all her pain
Let her go...
let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...
let her be.
This morning I woke up alone
Found a note by the phone
Saying maybe
maybe Ill be back some day
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didnt know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for
Myself.
Let her cry...
if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...
if it eases all her pain
Let her go...
let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...
let her be.
Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand.
And
Let her cry...
if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...
if it eases all her pain
Let her go...
let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...
let her be. |
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| Just FYI; Note To My Future Ex #8 |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|05:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
Just in case you somehow don't realize this...
If I give you my phone number... I most likely like you.
Also...
...Fuckin CALL, you big jerk.
And by the way...
You're likely not the only dude I've given it to.
You might not even be the only guy I've given it to TODAY.
I don't have the internet at home.
Me giving you my number is me saying "There's a chance I want to know more. (And I want to see if you have a sexy voice. [yes, that matters to me])"
p.s.
READ MY BLOGS! and my whole profile.
Then call. |
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| Forever; Note To My Future Ex #7 |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|05:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cranky | ] |
So, really.
I don't know why I'm here.
On this site.
Not anymore.
I gave up on the idea of finding someone who can be with me... you know... the way I want.
But I still keep posting these blogs. Thinking maybe... Maybe someone will read them, and somehow, I'll like them as much as they like me.
Dude. That shit never happens.
Either I am WAY into you, and you're just sorta dealing with me chasing you because... well... at least someone is.
Or you're totally chasing me, and I'm just not that into the idea.
But I have this thing about giving people a chance, so I don't turn you down, flat, right off.
And the rare times there's someone who likes me just as much as I like them... Or... it's happend a few times... I even fall in love with this guy.
We're happy for a few months.
Maybe.
Then, somewhere between 6 months and 3 years later...
I'm here again.
Dude.
What the fuck is forever.
None of you would want me forever.
Most of you can't hardly stand me for more then a night or two.
The one guy who I really think would have loved me, and been with me forever.... He's boning my ex best friend.
Yeah.
I have to go back to work.
I'll delete this when I get off. |
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| Outside That Counts; Note To My Future Ex #6 |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|11:39 am] |
Hey... you... reading this right now.
You know what?
You're shallow.
I know, you try and say you're not.
But everyone is, a little.
I think so now, more than ever because of... well.. my life.
When I was younger, and therefor fatter... I remember how often I used to have people tell me how ugly/stupid/ugly/fat/ugly...and ugly... I am.
Then I lost about 200 pounds.
Know what?
I didn't get a face trasnplant.
But now.... I have a very similar group of people telling me how cute/sexy/beautiful/fun/witty/engaging I am.
I'm not trying to say I don't LIKE people telling me those things. Cause I do. But I sorta think they were always true.
Some of them I think were more true when I never heard them.
Anyway... that's all not what this blog is about.
This is me writing about what I think I actually do have going for me. All that good, skin-deep stuff.
You know.
The stuff that counts.
One thing no one has ever been shy to tell me is I have beautiful eyes.
I know.
They're huge, and expressive. I have great eyes. I know.
I have super soft skin & hair.
And they always smell good.
I hate having frekles, and that my hair is currently short... and blonde...
But they're great to touch, and smell, anyway.
I have a beautiful back.
It's why you can see my back in one of the pics I put on here.
It's why I chose that area for my tattoos.
It's also one of my favorite places to be touched.
The rest of me?
Eh.
I could go for some changes here and there.
So.. yeah.
If you tell me you like my eyes, skin, hair, or my back... I'll agree.
If you try to tell me how in love you are with some other part of my body, I'm likely to look at you like you're insane.
Alright.
My lunch break is almost over.
Time to go back to work. |
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| Examples: Note To My Future Ex #5 |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|11:37 am] |
So, I think it's time I do more than just tell you guys a few things I sorta want in someone.
I think what I really need to do is make a list of examples.
So here it goes.
This guy never gave me the time of day. I think he seems like a super guy... but it's one sided. :( He's cool anyway.
This young man is pretty much the coolest pen pal ever.
This dude is awesome, despite living in Colorado.
This guy here has pretty much one of the most impressive profiles I've seen. He's funny... cute... and pretty much awesome. For real... take the time to read the whole thing. It's wicked.
This man... is pretty much the best guy... ever.
I might be only saying that because of the huge crush I have on him... but he rocks. If you think you're pretty much exactly like this dude... message me. NOW. He rocks my socks off every time I talk to him. |
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| Not Enough: Note To My Future Ex #4.. Sort of |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|11:34 am] |
This post should most likely go on my myspace blog, or my LiveJournal, or something... but I am already writing it here.
Dude...
If you know me, (which I am sure pretty much no one who is reading this does)
Then you know how I am when I'm single.
I talk to a bunch of guys until I find one I think is awesome.
Well, I don't do that all the time...
...but right now, anyway.
So, I met this guy... and he's beyond awesome. Like... if I had a choice, it would be him. He would be the next Ex Mr. Jenn.
But the dude is ALWAYS busy.
I've known him for, like, a month already, and I've only gotten to talk to him 4 or 5 times.
Every time I talk to him... It's awesome. I feel like we connect. He's really... really special.
So... my problem is... do I wait around and see if maybe I can deal with not getting ALL the attention I want / if he'll make more time for me when he realizes how flippin awesome I am.... You know... because he will.
....Or should I just keep looking, and wait for the next Mr. Awesome to come trotting along?
Even if he might not be as great as this one is... Because at this point... who would be?
UGH!
Help me, people! |
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| Febuary 14th; Note To My Future Ex #3 |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|11:32 am] |
I'm not like typical girly girls.
Like... at all.
So it's not rare that guys think I don't care about romance. I'm too "cool" to be into things like that.
And you know...
As far as things like Valintine's day...
I don't.
I don't expect a guy I'm dating to go all out and get me lots of crap for one day where any people in relationships are trying to show eacother how much they care... for a day.
I don't expect any extra adoration on a day like that.
The "perfect" guy... the one I've been writing these blogs for...
He doesn't need -A- day to tell me how much he adores me, and is happy we're together.
The guy I want doesn't have an issue telling me that -ANY- day.
I'm really good at making the guy I'm with feel appreciated and wanted...
And I'm not the kinda chick who needs flowers and candy to let me know I matter (not that flowers aren't okay every once in a while. I AM still a girl.)
The guy who...
sits and reads with me.
who always pulls me close to him on the couch when we're watching a movie.
who always grabs my hand when we're walking in public.
who looks in my eyes when we talk.
who isn't afraid to meet my insane family.
who wants me to meet his.
who's family will like me sheerly because they see how much I adore him.
Yeah.
That's the guy every girl wants.
That's the guy I want.
That's the guy I've HAD in the past, and I don't really plan like setteling for less.
And I hope for more. |
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| Note To My Future Ex #2 |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|05:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
I was driving around today (since that's what I do for a living)
And I was thinking about what I really want from someone when I'm in a relationship.
Not what I have to give... What I really want.
And I guess I came up with a few things.
And since I don't feel like updating my profile anytime soon, I'm just going to start posting blogs to let YOU GOOD FOLKS know what I want/need/expect out of... well... you.
One of the biggest things I want is something I'm not sure I'll ever have.
I'm not that superficial... I'm not ALL about looks. I've dated a few guys I thought were just sorta okay when I met them...
Then I started to adore the way they looked... because I was so into them... anyway...
One of the huge things I want out of being with someone is knowing... really knowing... they think I am beautiful.
I want to be with someone who looks at me, and sees not *just* the great person inside... they see a girl they can't get their hands off of.
I know... I know... everyone wants to feel like their boyfriend/girlfriend/anyfriend is attracted to them... so I'm not being original... I never said I was gonna be! So hush.
I've heard a huge handfull of people say "Well, if you want someone to think you're beautiful, you have to think you are" and "People are more likely to see you how you see yourself"
WELL thanks.
Heard that.
And I don't really want someone who thinks of me the way I think of myself.
Because... while I think I am way awesome, as a person, and anyone who took the time would totally love me to death... I know I am far from stunning in the looks department.
Don't judge by my pictures online.
Please.
Anyone can take a good photo if they really want to.
I don't look like that.
I'm still the fat, insecure, yet still way awesome girl I have always been... I just happen to have lost a little of the weight.
Which, really, causes a whole new set of problems.
Okay... this is already longer than I planned to make it...
I AM DONE FOR NOW. |
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| Note To My future Ex #1 |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|05:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
So, I was reading this kickass book last night...
And I was thinking...
I really miss reading *with* someone.
I've only had one or two boyfriends I ever sat and read books with... but when it happend, I loved it.
Guys... really... You should try it.
I know this won't really be lost on the sorta guys I'm into, because the sorta guys I'm into are smart, nerdy guys who read a lot on their own anyway.
Well, dude... you know that cool book you're reading? Get another copy, come over, and we can snuggle up and read together.
I KNOW it sounds like a nerdy thing to do... but it's fun.
I think it's the same reason I love watching movies or playing video games and talking about them with other people...
I really love getting into a good story, and I think it can be even better when you have someone there to get into it with you.
Anyway... I guess that's a new requirement for "Ideal guy for Jenn"
He'll read with me.
Also... He has to let me subject him to Buffy at least once.
Because I love Joss.
Yes I do. |
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| Nope |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|05:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
You don't want to date me right now, Mr. perfect.
Trust me.
If you're an awesome, wonderful guy, who knows how to treat a girl, and is honestly looking for someone amazing to fall in love with.... Do me a favor.... wait a few weeks.
I require a few things from the guys I date.
It's not a huge list, and I don't think anything on it is too difficult.
And if someone meets all these things... I am a REALLY awesome girlfriend.
I need to talk to and/or see the guy I am dating every day.
I do get into long distance things... so I of corse settle for just talking to them... but I mean every day, unless there is some REALLY WONDERFUL excuse why not. ("gosh, Jenn... I'm just too busy" is NOT an excuse. Especially if you had all the time in the world to talk to me when we first met... then just suddenly get busy a few months in. Fuck you.)
I need to know where the hell I stand.
Sometimes, I'm okay with getting into something with someone where I know I basically don't mean that much. Like right now... Not sure I'd even WANT to be someone's everything right now. I would just crush them.
But I want to know, honestly, how much I do or do not mean to the guy I'm supposed to be involved with.
So I guess that one boils down to Be honest with me. Always. Regaurdless of how you think I feel, or how I might react.
Be my fucking FRIEND.
I LIKE to be friends with the men I date. I like to be there for them, and have them be there for me. If you can't even talk to me, or tell me what's going on in your life... don't try to fuck me.
...Unless you've told me, honestly, that it's all you want out of knowing me... then I can decide if I want that from you.
Accept that I act like a loon sometimes, and deal with it.
I'm a scorpio, guys. If you get in the water, you're going to get wet.
Things I DON'T want/need from the guy I'm dating....
I don't need to be ALL you have.
Have friends. Have a life. Have hobbies.
Maybe we can even share in all that shit.
I don't mean have a whole life you never let me in on... but... god. have things to do that make you happy that are not JUST ME.
I don't need a lack of trust.
For serious. If I'm openly telling people I'm dating you... I'll NEVER put myself into a situation that you should be jealous of. Ever.
I don't need "forever" or even "I love you"'s.
I've had the guys that promise me the world, and tell me how much they adore me right off the bat.
Dude... I don't want someone to give me the fucking world. I want someone who will give me THEM |
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gunsxandxrazors's journal