Guns Are Like Disposable Razors:

Guns Are Like Disposable Razors:

so maybe i'm not insane

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(no subject)	[Dec. 1st, 2009\|02:05 pm]
SSSSSSooooooooooooooooo.... I am going to erase all names that are not mine in order to protect the somewhat innocent... but I was reading my old e-mails... And like EVERY TIME I read them, I was hit with this insane amount of loss for things that might have been. Not just with the people who's private thoughts to me I'm about to dump in this blog for ALL EYES TO SEE... but... a few other that.... I just don't even wanna share, because it sucks for me too badly. This first set is from one of the... Seriously... most awesome guys I ever met. Ever. I wrote to him: Date: Mar 8, 2007 6:08 PM Okay... I know I wrote you back already, and I try to only write someone once until they write me back... but I am sending you another message, anyway... so... I'm sorry. ANYWAY... I've been reading through some of your blogs. I really don't have the brain power right after I get off work to try and reply to all of them... Because 99% of them will end up just saying "me too" or something lame like that. Not that I don't think I have my own viewpoint and opinion, and all that crap... but FOR ONE... you wrote them all a while ago, so I feel a little silly trying to reply to something where your view might have changed for all I know... And for two... They sorta just make me want to spend some time actually talking to you, since I'm sure it would be really fun. Okay. This is the last e-mail until you write me back. Sorry! Obviously, I had sent him an email before this one, but I didn't keep it. Anyway... He replied with this: Date: Mar 8, 2007 10:15 PM Hey there... So, wow, thank you. For the record, you are pretty easy on the eyes yourself. Black hair + pale = happy (name taken out here). But, yeah, I'm not one of those who will ask you to send me webcam titty shots or meet me in a hotel room somewhere. I like boobies as much as the next guy, but, as popular as that approach seems to be, it has always struck me as clumsy and crude. Whatever. I'm sorry if my initial communique came off as sounding a bit, well... grouchy, but, yeah, as you may have noticed myspace is full of superficial morons. I mostly am here because this is the easiest way to keep in touch with the people I already know, not so much to make new friends. (see above-mentioned "superficial morons") Anyway, you pass the cool test with flying colors. I'd like to write more, and will, but right now I am about to leave to meet up with some friends. We are going to see the 12:01 showing of "300." Yes, I actually am that big of a nerd. One thing though, anything I have left up on blogs is basically a standing argument, until/unless I take it down, so, yeah, feel free to comment (or disagree even) on whatever. I'm one opinionated fucker, to be sure, but I am not dogmatic and really can't stand people who are. Everything is always open to debate. And a question. Your music section lists only NIN. Any chance you might like The Faint, too? Just curious. Reply by me: I'm actually mostly over the weird of meeting people online. I've met a bunch, and it typically goes well. I just haven't changed that on my profile, since I do sometimes get freaky old men... or women... trying to add me to their friends list, and asking me for phone sex. I didn't think you sounded grouchy... at least what you wrote didn't come off that way. I get the "only keeping myspace for people I know" thing. There are a few different people on my friends list I wouldn't really get to talk to if I didn't have this. That's sorta really sad. ANYWAY... they live in different states, so I SORT OF have an excuse. Dude... you got to see the 1201 showing of 300? That's it. You are my hero. For today. I WOULD just go comment on your blogs, but for the most part, it's stuff I think is just way more fun to talk about in person, or something. Speaking of... I am going to try and get "flamers are bad mmkay" going again... which... by the way, is where I first saw you. It's not MY group... but I am going to pretend anyway. Yes. I love NIN. And Tool... and.... uh... The backstreet boys. Dude. If that doesn't make you not message me back, I'm set. Anyway... I think I've heard of the faint... but I can't claim to have anything on my PC by them, or anything. Are you suggesting I look into them? Then he says: Bawhahahaha! Back Street's Back ALRIGHT!! Hahahahaha. Oh man. Fun times. That actually dovetails nicely with my current rant in progress, soon to be posted. Just a sample: Sexy doesn't need to be brought back. It never left. And if it ever did, sorry, Justin, you're not the one we'd send out looking for it. There is no such thing as the "new black," and people who use this misnomer are fucking morons. There is only one black, and it's black. Go back to 9th grade art class and do the "color wheel" assignment again if you really need clarification on this. And Anna Nicole. Jesus. When did CNN turn into the national enquirer? No, Anna Nicole is NOT the modern day Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe made movies that have become cinematic classics. Can anyone even remember a title of an Anna Nicole movie? And, no, "look, I have big tits!" doesn't count. She was a slut and a drug addict, yes, but please, she's dead now. Show some respect. Fucking vultures. Tee hee. Anyway...300 was GREAT! A lot of great lines, visually stunning, and, surprisingly, more laughs than I would have expected. And, YES I very much suggest looking into the Faint. Wet From Birth is, I think, their best work, and also Dance Macabre. Man, I'm turning into Amazon.com. If you liked blank, you'll really like blank! Anyway I'm at work and I should get back to it. I'm glad you wrote back. Then there was apparently another missing e-mail from me... but then I wrote back: Date: Mar 9, 2007 5:19 PM Yes... I know I'm e-mailing you twice AGAIN when I already said I don't do that. So I lie. Better you know now, right? I don't really lie a lot... ....I don't think. ANYWAY... point of e-mail... Since I wouldn't get to reply to anything you send me on here until MONDAY.... I am going to give you my phone number. You don't have to use it. But you can. If you can't wait the extra few days to talk to me. okay Ready? (number taken out because it isn't mine anymore) And I got this reply: So, I actually responded to this on friday night but apparently myspace was being retarded that night and it never even got to you, or even to my sent box. The short short version, without all the standard was that I also would be incommunicado all weekend because of a funeral in the family and all the associated tedious business that comes along with that. If I seem less than somber and reflective about this, it is basically because, although I was very close with my grandpa (who died) the rest of my family on that side are basically a bunch of insane, selfish, intolerable pricks. Anyway, whatever, it's done. I would actually give you a ring right now, but it's a tad late for normal people and I don't know if you are a night owl like me...and I'd rather the first time we actually talk not be the result of me waking your sleepy ass up...so, yeah. Tomorrow? It will be coming from {Number taken out} so you'll know it's me (I never ever answer if I don't recognize the number) Or, you know, you could just write me back, too. Whatever's clever. Then... We spent the whole night on the phone. Seriously, all night. Until my lame-ass prepaid phone ran out of time on it. I honestly still think about that night sometimes. It was one of the best talks with one of the smartest people I have ever talked to. The next E-mail was me again. Saying: Date: Mar 14, 2007 3:36 PM So.... I have, like, 3 things to say, I think... I If you still want it, my non myspace e-mail is guns.and.razors@gmail.com II. You're awesome. III. I can't get any calls on my phone right now... so don't try to call me today. I should get it back on tomorrow. Yep... I guess it was three. Anyway... I hope you're having a good day at work despite lack of sleep. And he said: I totally feel bad for killing an entire night of your sleep, depleting your phone minutes, and maybe costing you a days wages. Yeah, I'm suffering a little, but they do provide free coffee here of a reasonable quality, so, whatever, I'll manage. I feel like I've had a mental enema! (I know, what a sexy image, right?) So, clearly, we are both talkers, but I think we are both pretty decent listeners too, provided that what we are listening to is interesting. Which, usually, it isn't, which is how we get our reputations. I won't use "engaging" any more, but dammit if there isn't something special about the combination of your mental process and your witty style that...well...that can keep me on the phone all fucking night, for starters. I'm glad you took the time to come find me, really, truly. Get some rest. Then what happened? Well... we had a few more very awesome talks, not as long as the first one... but... he would call me when he went outside at work to smoke, just to say hi, and we would end up babbling at each other for a half hour or so. He actually kept me on the phone while he was supposed to be working, and I just listened to him talking to other people. It was silly, but I thought it was adorable. Then I don't get a call from him for a while. Then I get this e-mail 3/27/2007 8:31 PM To: Jenn (gunsxandxrazors@myspace.com) There is only one way to say this and that's to just say it. I got back together with my ex. This weekend. It wasn't something I anticipated happening. If you would have asked me, I'd have said she was a fucking bitch and I was better off rid of her. But apparently, there's a lot of, at the very least, unfinished business there. Maybe more. Who knows. I don't feel like it would be appropriate for me to continue talking with you the way I have, for obvious reasons. I think you are awesome. I read your blog, and so you know, I never felt like I had to dumb myself down to speak to you. And that's one of the highest compliments I could ever give, truly. You are awesome, and you didn't do anything lame or anything. Never think it. In another life, maybe. This shit just happens. And I'm not saying we can never speak again, either. Just...you know. Yeah. Sorry. I was way more upset than I had any right to be. Honestly, I think I was really heartbroken. It just didn't seem like I could have imagined all the connection I thought we'd had. Being the SMARTY that I am... I write this to him: Date: Apr 2, 2007 12:41 PM I really hope you're not reading this. So... basically... Last night, two different men I know told me something along the lines of "I think I'm falling in love with you" Well... one of them was more like "I'm crazy about you." & "You're an incredible woman" The other one was more like "I think maybe I have more then friend-type feelings for you"... or something. Anyway... I felt like a big jerk, because the whole time, both times, I was thinking... "I wish it were (name taken out)" I know it's my fault for getting attached to someone I didn't, and really... couldn't have... but... I think what I need to say is... I think you were right to not talk to me anymore. Last week, I was on the verge of e-mailing you and basically saying "(NAME TAKEN OUT!), you are stupid! I know how to separate my feelings, and not be attracted to and want someone I can't have!" but... Yeah. That would be a big fat lie. It's not, really... usually, I'm super good at that sort of thing. I decide I can't have someone, and I just close myself off to even the idea of it. AND I also know I should just NOT be sending this to you at all... and for that, I am lame. I'm just a confessional-type of girl. If you are reading this, against my strong advice... I'm sorry. This will be the last time I e-mail you. I promise. And I got rid of your number already so I won't get tempted to drunk dial, or anything crazy like that. ugh! I guess that's all. You're wonderful I was super afraid of what the hell was gonna happen next, I almost didn't even read what he wrote back. But I did. And now you get to, too. It was this: Reading this, I would say that you are funny, if it wasn't such a serious topic. And FYI, I don't have to avoid you like the plague or anything silly like that. The fact that you live so far away makes you relatively safe. It's funny to think in those terms, but it's no less true. You said once that the worst kind of person is a liar and a cheater, and I'm prone to agree. I'm betting that, even if I was willing to be that kind of person, that any respect you have for me would be, at least, greatly diminished, as well it should be. Still, though, I have found that the people in this world who can actually hold up their end of a conversation are few and far between, and it would be a great shame to have you disappear out into the ether. Putting aside all the impulses that harass my brain from down below the belt (no easy feat), you remain a rare and valuable person in a sea of mediocrity. I have no problem being friends with women, in fact, some of my best friends ARE women. So don't stress. You don't have to throw away my number, or anything so dramatic. Even though I've known you only a short while, (and forgive my bluntness) you are worth a hell of a lot more to me than the chance to get laid. This does not have to be the last time you email me, in fact, that would make me sad. Yes, when I started talking to you, my intent was more than platonic. I'll own it. But my intent in sending you a message about what was going on in my life was not to run you off, only to be as up front and honest as possible. You are not a jerk, or anything like that. If you can stomach the idea of being friends, I'm all for it. And that was it. We pretty much never talked again. I found other people to keep my mind off how upset and pissed off I was. One of them ended up being Biggest Mistake Ever. Codename Dave. IS THERE SOMETHING THERE I WAS MISSING?! REALLY!! We even had the same taste in EVERYTHING. Tell me! It just seems like... I meet people all the time who think I am fucking AWESOME, then... They change their minds, at some random point, and I just don't get it. I don't change who I am halfway though knowing someone. Anyway... Since I can't talk about and share any of this with him... it's here for you, silly readers of my blog.
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(no subject)	[Sep. 6th, 2008\|02:41 am]
So.... I'm sure there is a lot to say, so let's cover some of the typical update stuff before I get into my emo ranting. I'm fine. Happy, even. Everyone here is super excited to meet my little girl this december. She's due December 8th. I'm a little freaked out. Oh well. It's a little late to turn back now. For anyone who'd like the backstory on me, my husband, and all that crap... WELL... I met Josh.... We started going out. I was on birth control, AND we were using condoms, and a month after we got together, I was knocked up. We'd talked about getting an abortion, but in the end, OBVIOUSLY, I chose to keep the baby. We sorta knew we dug eachother, and that we were planning on staying together and getting married some day, anyway.... so... we decided to push "someday" a few years forward, and got married June 13th. He's pretty awesome. He hasn't left me... and I've tried tog et him to serveral times. haha. (No, really, I have.) He's pretty much exactly what I needed and never wanted. As awful as that might sound, it's not. Because I KNOW he's what I need, even though he's not what I thought I wanted, and I appreciate him for what he really is. I think that way about most of my life, as a whole, right now. I always thought I REALLY wanted to live in a big city, and have all sorts of excitment, and instability, and all that jazz. I always thought living in a small town, and just being happy would be too boring. But it's not. being stable, and feeling loved is so much more awesome than I thought it would be. Now for something competely different: I talked to Brandon. Well, first I e-mailed him, but he told me to call him and after playing phone tag for a week, I got to talk to him. It was SO NICE to get to clear some things up with him.... OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT... I had this HUGE deep post about how I miss having friends I felt close to, and not just people who love me because they love my husband... BUT OTIS is talking to me, in Turnip and I don't feel like it, now... so... I might do it later. Kay.
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p.s.	[May. 20th, 2008\|02:46 pm]
OTIS... Quit making livejournals, Freak.
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For those of you who still read Livejournal, and/or are not on my myspace

[Mar. 28th, 2008|02:29 pm]

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HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The strangest thing has happend.....

I'm happy.

It's a little hard to say that, because every time I do, it fuckin falls apart, but... I'm saying it anyway.

I have a job I mostly like.
I have a bed to sleep in.
And... I have a rockin' boyfriend.

I'm going to be twenty FIVE this year, and that blows. I'm not ready to be old... but... anyway... things are good.

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OMG JENN IS STILL ALIVE

[Nov. 30th, 2007|01:35 pm]

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So... For a while, LJ was blocked on the computers at the library... Now... suddenly, it's not.

SO HORRAY.

Anyway. Life sucks. My job is okay. I love my new car.... I think that about covers it, right?

Yeah, in case you didn't know, I left LA. because Dave wanted to spend more time trying to bang some ugly married tramp... SO GOOD FOR HIM.

I'm back in cali, where, really, I belong.

And... uhm... I guess that's all.

Met ANOTHER dude named Brandon a few weeks ago. Didn't really pan out as well as the first two did (LOLZ @ THE FIRST TWO BEING WELL!! I CRACK ME UP)

SO... That's all, I guess. I'm fucking 24. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPPEN!?

Call me, Text me, SOMETHING!
I MISS PEOPLE!

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(no subject)	[Sep. 8th, 2007\|01:00 am]
I've come to the realization that I'm a totally worthless person. no, really/ I have almost everything I wanted to be happy and when it dawns on me what the hell do i do i drunkenly lay down and cry for a while about what a sad fuck i really am. I also realized i should have let Dave go when I left washington but becase im me i thought doing while what would make me happiest (ie being next to him) i would be able to make him happy, too big flaw? I can fucken stay happy you know when other people tell me that... i cant accept it. I'm like "wtfeveryourenotinmyhead" but dude I cant There is always something that doesnt fit in with this stupid dream i have in my head of what it is will make me not only okay for a second, but lastingly happy fuckin I decided its not worth it I shouldnt try this is me that girl... the one who isnt just thrilled to be where i am, but is able to show it, and enjoy it that's me, too but i'm this malfuctioning broken freak And i end up back here, at this place in my head Where i think about all sorts of non-mattering-shit like when he was drunk, and told me how hed take care of me or the 100 saved text i have of him being... the person i love when reality starts to conflict with that i fail Im weak i fail at life i fail at being happy i fail at being an adult i fail at being responsible i fail at trying to let go, and not freakin out when i cant control, understand, monotor, and justify everything. i feel so badly like i just want to die i should be, and partly am, having the best time of my life but this other part the "jenn i dont really care to be" part I cant help it, man it takes over maybe because its who i really am maybe because im just weak but this is the shit i do whatever. I wish i would just go to sleep and forget im alive but hes sitting here and i dont want anything in life other than to be next to him, and touch him i cant decide if its more weak for me to give up, lay down, let go or hold on, stay here, enjoy being next to him I cant even decide which is more selfish.
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Stuff and things

[Apr. 25th, 2007|05:36 pm]

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So, like... I am going to start posting again.

I'm going to start by adding all the blogs I made on my OKC here, and, like, backdating them, and whatnot.

Anyway.

I decided I don't care if no one reads what I write, or something... so... I guess I can just write the crap no one will read here.

Woot.

p.s.
I'm moving to washington

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Entangled	[Mar. 13th, 2007\|01:02 pm]
Let me say this VERY clearly... (or jenn-type clearly, anyway) It's one of the few things I have a strong, unchaning opnion on... so if you disagree with this... me and you are going to have at least one vital thing we will never agree on. I would NEVER get involved with someone who's already seeing someone else. Married, dating, or even oogle-eyeing, in some cases. It's just NOT worth it. If someone's already made a commitment and gotten attached to someone who is not me, but they're trying to fuck me anyway... I don't want them. I have an extrem lack of interest in sex with no strings... (I LIKE MY STRINGS.) and if someone's trying to get in my pants... and is already in someone else's, the first things I ALWAYS think are "how would I feel if I was that girl" and "If I got involved with this person... I will be that girl someday" And... if you're someone who's okay with having affairs, or HELPING someone else have them... I'm harsh. And I'll think you're an asshole for it.
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(no subject)

[Mar. 12th, 2007|12:59 pm]

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Okay.

I think I am crazy.

"well, Jenn, we all know that already. In fact... that thought... is correct!" you're thinking, right?

Well... dude... I have a new reason.

I've been single for, what? 3 months or so... and I'm *actually* starting to freak out and think I'm never going to be in a relationship again.
WTF?
Three months.
I've gone years single, and I never cared.

I KNOW I don't even want to deal with the whole... having to meet someone, and play the games... you know the ones... where you try to be your cutest, funniest, most attractive self for a TOTAL STRANGER so they'll fall madly in love with you... or the fucked up part-way true idea of you you're sticking out there for them.

I know I don't really feel like doing all that crap right now.

I should be *greatful* I'm single, and not having to do all that...

...but I go to sleep by myself every night.
And I have no idea when... or even IF that's ever going to change.

After three months!

Dude.
I know I'm being insane.

Of corse I'll date someone again. And it'll be great, and fun, and great fun.

Ugh.

I just think... I am in a slump.

This post = Jenn in a slump.

And you know another thing?
Honestly... I don't think I would date a single person on the whole of OKC right now.

For two INSANE reasons.

One... if they actually DID read my blog... I would feel too vunerable, and like they already know too much & get freaked out.

Two... if they DIDN'T read my blog, I would assume they're -NOT- into me enough, and I shouldn't waste the time on them.

What sort of fucked up logic is that?

It's Jenn logic.

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The End

[Oct. 6th, 2006|09:42 am]

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I think I made the biggest mistake ever last night.

And I am just going to have to deal with it.

I wish I could just get back all of yesterday.

I feel physically ill.

I wish I could just die for a few days.

Fuckin' life.

Stupid ass Jenn

Why did I think I could deal with my best friend and the love of my life getting together?

Yeah. I'm happy with my boyfriend.
Yeah, I want to STAY happy with him.

Brandon was still the love of my life.

There isn't a real way to get around that.

Maybe this was about me trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I DON'T want him back anymore, and I'm more secure as a person.

Well, while the not wanting him back part is still true... I'm not fuckin secure.

I feel like I am going to lose ALL of them.

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