Guns Are Like Disposable Razors:

gunsxandxrazors @ 2008-09-06T02:41:00

2008-09-06T10:35:27Z

So....
I'm sure there is a lot to say, so let's cover some of the typical update stuff before I get into my emo ranting.

I'm fine. Happy, even.
Everyone here is super excited to meet my little girl this december.
She's due December 8th. I'm a little freaked out. Oh well. It's a little late to turn back now.

For anyone who'd like the backstory on me, my husband, and all that crap...
WELL...

I met Josh.... We started going out.
I was on birth control, AND we were using condoms, and a month after we got together, I was knocked up.
We'd talked about getting an abortion, but in the end, OBVIOUSLY, I chose to keep the baby.
We sorta knew we dug eachother, and that we were planning on staying together and getting married some day, anyway.... so... we decided to push "someday" a few years forward, and got married June 13th.

He's pretty awesome.

He hasn't left me... and I've tried tog et him to serveral times.
haha.
(No, really, I have.)

He's pretty much exactly what I needed and never wanted.
As awful as that might sound, it's not.
Because I KNOW he's what I need, even though he's not what I thought I wanted, and I appreciate him for what he really is.

I think that way about most of my life, as a whole, right now.
I always thought I REALLY wanted to live in a big city, and have all sorts of excitment, and instability, and all that jazz. I always thought living in a small town, and just being happy would be too boring.
But it's not.
being stable, and feeling loved is so much more awesome than I thought it would be.

Now for something competely different:

I talked to Brandon.
Well, first I e-mailed him, but he told me to call him and after playing phone tag for a week, I got to talk to him.
It was SO NICE to get to clear some things up with him....

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT... I had this HUGE deep post about how I miss having friends I felt close to, and not just people who love me because they love my husband... BUT OTIS is talking to me, in Turnip and I don't feel like it, now... so... I might do it later.

Kay.

p.s.

2008-05-20T21:46:21Z

OTIS... Quit making livejournals, Freak.

For those of you who still read Livejournal, and/or are not on my myspace

2008-03-28T21:33:16Z

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The strangest thing has happend.....

I'm happy.

It's a little hard to say that, because every time I do, it fuckin falls apart, but... I'm saying it anyway.

I have a job I mostly like.
I have a bed to sleep in.
And... I have a rockin' boyfriend.

I'm going to be twenty FIVE this year, and that blows. I'm not ready to be old... but... anyway... things are good.

OMG JENN IS STILL ALIVE

2007-11-30T21:39:48Z

So... For a while, LJ was blocked on the computers at the library... Now... suddenly, it's not.

SO HORRAY.

Anyway. Life sucks. My job is okay. I love my new car.... I think that about covers it, right?

Yeah, in case you didn't know, I left LA. because Dave wanted to spend more time trying to bang some ugly married tramp... SO GOOD FOR HIM.

I'm back in cali, where, really, I belong.

And... uhm... I guess that's all.

Met ANOTHER dude named Brandon a few weeks ago. Didn't really pan out as well as the first two did (LOLZ @ THE FIRST TWO BEING WELL!! I CRACK ME UP)

SO... That's all, I guess. I'm fucking 24. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPPEN!?

Call me, Text me, SOMETHING!
I MISS PEOPLE!

Stuff and things

2007-04-26T00:38:27Z

So, like... I am going to start posting again.

I'm going to start by adding all the blogs I made on my OKC here, and, like, backdating them, and whatnot.

Anyway.

I decided I don't care if no one reads what I write, or something... so... I guess I can just write the crap no one will read here.

Woot.

p.s.
I'm moving to washington

The End

2006-10-06T16:43:28Z

I think I made the biggest mistake ever last night.

And I am just going to have to deal with it.

I wish I could just get back all of yesterday.

I feel physically ill.

I wish I could just die for a few days.

Fuckin' life.

Stupid ass Jenn

Why did I think I could deal with my best friend and the love of my life getting together?

Yeah. I'm happy with my boyfriend.
Yeah, I want to STAY happy with him.

Brandon was still the love of my life.

There isn't a real way to get around that.

Maybe this was about me trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I DON'T want him back anymore, and I'm more secure as a person.

Well, while the not wanting him back part is still true... I'm not fuckin secure.

I feel like I am going to lose ALL of them.

For Mike!

2006-10-03T09:06:24Z

http://kittensaresocute.ytmnd.com/

And now.... Thoughts that make no sense.

2006-09-26T03:24:38Z

I'm in this... sorta relatinship.

Well. I still call him my boyfriend when talking to someone I don't know. Like if I am talking to one of the girls I work with, and she's saying something about her boyfriend, rather than being like "Well, my un-boyfriend....(blah blah blah)" which would just lead them to asking a bunch of personal questions about why he doesn't want to "really" be with me, or something....
And when we were on our date (yeah, we sorta had, like, an official date this weekend. It was sweet) the girls at the place he always eats asked him if I was his girlfriend, and he said yeah.
....but basically we're both doing that to avoid having to answer questions, or something, right? So... I don't know.
Anyway. Title or not, we're attached to eachother.

That's not really the problem.

The thing is...

I am afraid.

More afraid than I've been in a long time.
I know there are a bunch of guys out there... some of them read this LJ (That would be you. Otis & Avery) that most likely have very shitty opnions about me and how I am when it comes to men.

What I'm afraid of is that I am going to mess things up with this guy.
That he's going to think all those things 90% of the men from my past think about me.
I don't want that.

I know how poorly I've treated people before.
I know I don't really deserve to have someone think highly of me, anyway.
...but I want him to.

Most of this is all stuff I've said before. In fact, I'm sure I've said it about other men I've talked to before, even. God. I know. I know how I am. I know I am being typically me. There is nothing special about the way I am conducting myself in this relationship, from an outside point of view.
Yeah.
I am being Jenn about it all.
From an outside point of view.

There ARE things that are vastly different.

Brandon is, and acts like, the "man" when it comes to me and him. I mean... he's the one in charge. Unlike almost every guy I have ever dated, he doesn't just do whatever I say, agree with whatever I say, become whatever I say...
I know there have been a few guys who have tried to *not* be like that in the past, but they all failed at the end. With the exception of Chris. But Chris and I never had sex... and in fact, never met, so... he just doesn't really apply at all. Besides, the boy makes me fuckin' insane. I mean MORE than normal. I never act about people the way I did about him... but that is a whole other lj-post I am just not going to get into. Fucker.

Basically... Brandon is the first one 'getting it right', or something, in a lot of ways, in regaurds to what I need out of a man.

At least a huge amount closer to right than anyone I've met before, with the possible exception of the OTHER Brandon. Or Hollie. Hollie knows pretty much exactly how to handle me, and how to talk to me at any given time... but the woman has had practice. And there is that whole part where she is BEYOND AWESOME.

So...
The other problem I have going on... is that I don't feel like I have a clear idea of what kind of real future I have with this person.

Maybe that's a good fuckin' thing. Every time I've been with someone and known wither or not they wanted to be with me in the "forever" sense... things still went down the pipes sooner or later.

So the fact that I feel insecure because I don't know if he plans on being around for a few months, or a few years... or "forever"...
I am trying to just not be insecure about it.

We have fun together. I adore him. Moreso every time I see him. He makes me feel like (at least for now /insecure) I do have someone who is totally into me, and who cares about me just as much as I care about them.

Usually, when I am in involved with someone, I don't care about what happens in my life, independently ... All I think about is what's going to happen in the life of this relationship. Because I am very much a "put love first" kinda person. It's the reason I never got to finish highschool. The reason I fucked up a few of my collage classes. The reason I ended up not getting to keep the job I had last year. I had some guy in my life at the time, and I thought making that work was more important than making sure my life is working.

So... now...
I'm trying to do things differently.

Though, again, to an outside source, it might seem like I am doing more of the same, and worse.

Dude... I have NEVER gone somewhere to see someone.
They ALWAYS come to me.
I've gone out of town to pick guys up who were going to be staying with me... but I never went out of town, and stayed at someone else's house.
Not when it comes to guys.
I always had them come to me.

Partly because I am usually an out of work slacker. Partly because I felt more in control that way.

Even the two times Brandon has come to porterville to see me... he didn't. He was going to be in town those two weekends, anyway.

I don't know why crazy stuff like that makes me happy, and feel really good about being with him.
I guess it just proves to me, even if to no one else, that things are different this time.
Whatever that means.
I don't even know what it means at this point.

God.
I am still rambling about things I have SAID BEFORE.

If you are still reading this, I am sorry.
I'm lame.
I'll send you a cookie for being so awesome and reading my insecure emo-ish Jenn-is-a-nerd crap.

Anyway.

I have to go figure out what the hell time I am supposed to be at work tomorrow.

That is all.

Totally Woo

2006-08-18T04:10:58Z

I got a job

Ok, so it's a quiz.

2006-06-24T18:49:49Z

What quote are you?

You truly see the beauty in being unique, and you strive to be different. By doing this you make yourself stand out in that special someone's eyes.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Yeah

2006-06-14T20:32:22Z

<td align="center"> Jenn --
[adjective]:

Visually addictive

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

Rent

2006-05-17T07:08:21Z

Hello LJ world.

I don't have anything really special to say... I just thought I would post... you know... since I have a livejournal, and everything.

Pretty much everyone I know quit smoking (except my mom... though I guess miracles CAN happen)
They all decided I was way cool when I did and followed me.
Man, I am wicked cool.
Okay, so I had pretty much nothing to do with it.
I'm still wicked proud of my brother and Erich and the other guys for all not smoking.
I think it's been about a month and a half since the last of them quit.

Other news: My brother locked his keys in his car when he went to go take a test... luckily for him someone gave him a ride home after he decided breaking his window would be a bad call and I drove him back to get his car with his spare set of keys.
We actually had a really good conversation about how friends are assholes (none of you) that somehow lead to talking about first loves, and how modern relationships are fucked up and stuff like that.

In other news... We paid rent today.

Speaking of rent...

(23:56:05) Jennifer: Well, I know most of them are jealous of my sweet pad since rent is only $200 a month... but I don't think anyone's actually jealous of me
(23:56:15) danhartz: nice, that is dirt cheap
(23:56:31) Jennifer: especially in California
(23:57:32) danhartz: no kidding
(23:57:35) danhartz: how did you score that?
(23:57:53) Jennifer: Renting from family
(23:58:20) danhartz: ah
(23:58:25) danhartz: that explains it
(23:58:30) danhartz: it was either that or mob connections
(23:58:44) Jennifer: hahaha
(23:58:46) Jennifer: Yeah
(23:59:05) Jennifer: My brother only pays 300
(23:59:32) danhartz: thats a bonus
(23:59:38) danhartz: and all this time you thought your family hated you
(23:59:39) danhartz: jk
(23:59:45) Jennifer: Who told you?
(00:00:19) Jennifer: Well, they might hate us, but it's better to have family renting than some strangers who will come in and fuck the place up
00:00
(00:00:47) danhartz: that is true
(00:00:52) danhartz: they can hunt you down
(00:01:24) Jennifer: They're far too lazy for that
(00:02:03) danhartz: hey, yet another bonus
(00:02:09) Jennifer: lol
(00:02:16) Jennifer: Yeah, but having lazy land lords sucks
(00:02:22) Jennifer: we have to do all the work
(00:03:22) danhartz: that is true
(00:03:29) danhartz: but what does that entail?
(00:03:43) Jennifer: Anything that goes wrong with the place its our job to fix
(00:04:04) Jennifer: According to them, for them to do upkeep they'd have to charge us more
(00:04:15) danhartz: ah
(00:04:51) Jennifer: It's usually stuff like when the shower handle comes flying off at me (so happend a few weeks ago) or when the cooler starts being a non-cooler and blowing hot air
00:05
(00:07:23) danhartz: ha
(00:07:28) danhartz: fun stuff, right?
(00:07:31) Jennifer: Totally
(00:07:52) Jennifer: We had to repair a few stairs in the staircase, too
(00:09:08) danhartz: that is good knowledge to have though
(00:09:16) danhartz: so when you get your own house, you can do it
(00:09:20) danhartz: that is, if you dont die first
(00:09:26) Jennifer: Yeah... my mom did 99% of it
(00:09:39) Jennifer: I stood there and looked very concerd for her welfare

Anyway... I am now going to go play dark cloud, or FF9, or something like that... and be lazy...er

melty

2006-01-03T01:30:25Z

If this year dosen't get better just about this second...
I give up and I'm going back to last year.

That is all.
Good night.

Paper Cut

2005-11-24T06:36:08Z

I need the shallow
It's always the one that feels
Real and deep
Like a paper cut
Just the right
Sting to make you know
You're really feeling
This time
But you're not
It's all for show
Gone as quickly
No deep wound or scar to show
That you were ever alive at all

First Day Of Work

2005-11-13T19:58:29Z

gunsxandxrazrs = me. duh.
megsly85213 = Megan.

gunsxandxrazors: So, I was at work last night
gunsxandxrazors: And everything was fine
gunsxandxrazors: I even got one of the instant credit apporval things they're always telling everyone to try and get people to get before I went to lunch
gunsxandxrazors: And then, at like, 10:10 I was ringing up my last guest right when the store was closing
gunsxandxrazors: And I started feeling really sick and sweating and I got all dizzy
megsly85213: uh huh
gunsxandxrazors: I totally passed out, fell, and hit my head on the cash register
megsly85213: oh my gosh. are you serious?
megsly85213: are you ok?
gunsxandxrazors: I was only out for a second... I could still hear everyone talking. I heard them calling "emergency in Ready To Wear" I felt someone grab me to check my pulse and everything and I was sitting there thinking "OH MY GOD I am SO FUCKING LAME! It's my FIRST DAY!!"
megsly85213: haha. what happened? i dont understand.
megsly85213: did you not eat?
gunsxandxrazors: But.... Yeah... they called my mom and I had to go home
gunsxandxrazors: No, I did... I think I am getting a flu or something.

Yeah. so... I had to fill out this report so I can go see a Dr. (I didn't) and all this shit... but I DID get to go home 30 min. early. WOO!
Okay.
End of drama.

Thoughts from the past.

2005-08-25T09:17:29Z

I wrote this on 5.8.05 in a journal I have. I typed it out, because I really like it. I like how it's so perfectly what I was feeling then... and so NOT how I feel now...

ANYWAY! On to my emo post.

I feel like all these people like idea of me. Not ever me, really.
I look so good from the outside. Just don’t get too close.
As long as you don’t get too close, I look just like what you were looking for.
Only get close enough to know you –might- want me.
Any closer, and you’ll see the mistake you’ve made.
I wonder if I’ll ever find someone who will just want to dive in, and know me.
All of me.
Good and Bad.
No matter what.
And love it.
Not because I’m kinky,
or I seem like what they’re looking for from far away.
But because they can’t help but love me.
Because I am what they need.
Not just what they want.
For now.
For today.
Until they see too much of me.

I feel like I need to make all of myself opposite.
I need to be boring and no fun at all on the surface, and hide all of who I really am underneath, so only those who really should get to see it.

But how do I hide who I really am when I hardly know who that is?

I just want to get rid of this sick feeling I have again. Like I am not –home- to anyone. I am just a stop they are all taking on the way to somewhere better.

HOLY MOTHER OF....

2005-08-15T17:11:23Z

So, I'm in bed last night...
I had already been asleep, like a few hours, but I sort of woke up and moved around, cause laying on my belly was bothering me. Actually, I think I had my head on my arm and it was asleep. anyway. I look over next to my chair,
And there was SOMEONE IN MY ROOM

I was so fuckin sure I was going to be killed. I let out at least 2 fuckin' huge screams before
Jessica was all like "JENN!!"
I TOTALLY forgot that she was still there when I went to sleep.

Fucking scared the daylights out of me.

I think we then giggled for, like, an hour.

Still.

Waking up with someone in the room, thinking they are going to axe murder you = BAD FOR THE SLEEPIN'!

End Of The World As We Know It

2005-08-09T20:30:00Z

Okay.

So the first part was sort of typical strange Jenn Dream stuff.

I was in Vegas, with all of my friends.
I don’t just mean Rain, who used to live there. Like, every single one of my friends, ever, was there… and we were all just chillin’. Like you… yes you. You were most likely there. It was a bunch of people who would never really hang out. And a few people I haven’t ever even hung out with before… but they were all living in Vegas, anyway.

Then all of my family showed up and fuckin kidnapped me while I was playing with my dad’s dogs (who apparently needed to go to Vegas.) and somehow teleported me back to Porterville, and I was standing in the middle of my aunt’s yard. I was like “WTF?!” It wasn’t just my family. It was ALL of my family… and all the members of my dad’s church.
So then, I start fighting with everyone, and I was like “WHY did you take me away from Vegas?!” I pick up my purse, which was hanging on a fence, walk through the house, and walk out the door, because I decided I am walking back to Las Vegas. Walking. Please note that in my dream I was wearing my little red skirt, a little black shirt, no shoes, and I think I recall that for some fucked up reason I wasn’t wearing underwear. (That is NOT normal. I ALWAYS wear underwear, you sickos.)

This is where my dream goes from typical fucked up to way more fucked up than typical.

So, I start to leave, and I go “I have no family.”
I walk outside, and start going down the street. The street is lined in both sides by trees that are hanging over it, making this canopy. Up to this point, everything in my dream has looked pretty much true to life, so how I came up with this canopy tree street, I don’t know. Anyway.
The whole street is blocked because there are cars lining it just parked with people sitting inside, looking like they’re parked at the drive-in, or something. They all have the doors and windows open, and keep making remarks to me when I walk by like “I remember you” or “I know you now” for some reason, this makes me feel all bad about disowning my family, and I start to feel sad… but I keep walking down the street anyway.
I get to the end of where the cars are (of coarse, right where the trees end) and there is this rope across the road, like “normal traffic may begin here” or something. I don’t know.
All the sudden there is all kinds of noise, and it sounds, seriously, like the sky is falling, or something. One of the women who was in one of the end cars comes over and talks to me, because everyone started to get out of their cars to get a better view (why parking on this street with a bunch of trees had been a bright idea in the first place, I have no idea)
She tells me how this meteor is going to fall, but I’m sure in my dream she means a space ship, and it’s going to be the end of the world… and they’re just all there to watch it.
All the people who’d gotten out of their cars can apparently see something in the sky that I can’t. It looks too gray and cloudy to see anything to me… and they’re talking about how it’s going to take forever to hit, or something. Apparently, they want their doom, and they want it now.

I look off to my left, and there is this mountain with random little fires on it. I can hear sirens, but they sound more like they’re running away from it than going towards it. I look off to my right, and there is this field, at the end, there are a bunch of fancy houses, and it sounds like the people who live in them are having a totally annoying party with a ton of little kids, and I can totally see one of those blow-up things that you jump around in.

I’m sitting there, in a totally end-of-the-world inappropriate outfit… and my thoughts were mostly “I wonder if I am going to be able to walk to Vegas in time”

The whole dream had a super creepy feeling.

A Talk With A Red Man

2005-08-09T00:29:27Z

[17:13] gunsxandxrazors: every time I find someone I like, they're totally fuckin not into me... or just... afraid of me because of how forward I am... wtf?
[17:14] monkeydevil83: I think you secretly look for people like that on purpose without knowing it.
[17:14] gunsxandxrazors: I look for people I can see myself bein interested in. people I am attracted to, and have things in common with
[17:15] monkeydevil83: You never know! The subconcious is crazy like that!
[17:16] gunsxandxrazors: i know I like the wrong kind of guys... but they just happen to be the kind of guys I find sexy, and the kind of guys I can see myself not getting bored with if I were to date them
[17:16] monkeydevil83: You'd get bored with them if you dated them, and you know it! You always do!
[17:18] gunsxandxrazors: I mean as opposed to the "nice normal" guys that I get bored with before we even make it to a first date
[17:18] monkeydevil83: I think you'd be bored with mostly anyone, at least that's how it seems. I think you're prone to wanting stuff you know you can't get, because.. well, I don't know why. But what do I know? I'm Otis! OOOOOOTIS.
[17:19] gunsxandxrazors: I agree with that last part
[17:19] monkeydevil83: That I'm Otis?
[17:19] monkeydevil83: I agree with that too!
[17:22] monkeydevil83: But.. seriously. I wish you'd just stop wondering around trying to find someone to love, or something like that. You're a wonderful person, despite how often you decide to make a low brow hit on yourself, just be patient. Dance, and sniff flowers, or something lame like that. Granted, this amounts to pretty much nothing coming from me, especially since about all of it is extremely hypocritical, but, yeah. I think you're looking for what you don't need, and needing what you don't want. If that at all makes sense. I WORRY ABOUT JENN. Sometimes she seems very happy, and I'm like "Woo, Go Jenn!", and then, sometimes she seems very lonely, and it makes me sad. I want Jenn to be happier, and more happy about herself, and her life!

Smart Ass

2005-08-04T08:52:03Z

[01:39] gunsxandxrazors: He's pretty smart
[01:39] gunsxandxrazors: SMARTER THAN ME
[01:39] gunsxandxrazors: Wait
[01:39] gunsxandxrazors: don't say anything
[01:39] gunsxandxrazors: :(
[01:39] Socksareneat: LMAO
[01:40] Socksareneat: *strain*
[01:40] Socksareneat: EUUNGH
[01:40] Socksareneat: whew okay it passed

Mirror, Mirror

2005-07-22T21:05:04Z

Anyone ever heard of these books, “I love you – don’t hate me” or “stop walking on eggshells”?

WELL, Apparently, my mother has decided I have a borderline personality.
She even bought these books online to help her cope with it, or some bullshit like that…
Dude, I am just mildly curious if they have a section in it that says:
“If you got this book to help you ‘deal’ with your daughter, get yourself a big fucking mirror, and look in it every day, because if you think she’s a loon, or something, exactly where do you think she got it from, you fucking bitch?”

I know none of you, except Rain, really know her… but… god.
Really.
Let’s all feel sorry for the poor mommy for a second.
All the sudden she wants to “help” me become this person she thinks I need to be, or something.
Oh, but when I was a kid, she was still too busy going out, and having fun.
Yeah, no thanks… I don’t feel like I want your help now.

I fucking know I didn’t and don’t have it that bad.
I KNOW.
I know, okay?
I know a load of people on my friends list who have much more fucked up stories than I do.
I am a spoiled princess… yeah. Whatever.
Ugh.
FUCK YOU, I CAN STILL RANT IF I WANT TO.

Stalker!!

2005-07-22T07:49:09Z

[00:08] Necrosociopath: BOO
[00:08] gunsxandxrazors: He dosen't even respond to me anymore half the time
[00:09] gunsxandxrazors: Dude, he hasn't answerd his phone... oh... ever
[00:09] gunsxandxrazors: He gave me his cell # and he's never picked it up
[00:09] Necrosociopath: You do know that's not on accident, right?
[00:09] Necrosociopath: You're not just missing him.
[00:09] gunsxandxrazors: i know
[00:10] gunsxandxrazors: I'm not stupid
[00:10] gunsxandxrazors: okay I am
[00:10] gunsxandxrazors: but still
[00:10] Necrosociopath: You're not stupid. You're just... something.
[00:11] gunsxandxrazors: Tell him to tell me he hates me
[00:11] gunsxandxrazors: please
[00:11] Necrosociopath: Ew no. Then I'd have to talk to him.
[00:11] gunsxandxrazors: yes
[00:11] Necrosociopath: I DARE you to let me at him.

Hey, it's funny if you're me.

2005-07-22T07:43:56Z

Necrosociopath (12:23:06 AM): How DARE you
gunsxandxrazors (12:23:14 AM): MY COMPUTER HATES ME
gunsxandxrazors (12:23:18 AM): just like Chris
gunsxandxrazors (12:23:20 AM): :D
Necrosociopath (12:23:24 AM): Shut up broken record

Best 30 in 30 quote so far:

2005-06-16T19:21:47Z

" I says, "Do you have kittens here?" He then points me towards a &$!!(%) cat rescue shelf. NO. NO, those aren't KITTENS you damn evil satanic liar."

Brought to you by rote

THAT IS FUNNY SHIT RIGHT THERE.

Okay... maybe it's only funny in my head... BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY.

Also: I really don't want to go to math class for 3 hours :(

you almost made me cry again this time

2005-05-28T09:12:13Z

I am sick of always feeling like
I am just an object.
Do you think I make myself one?
Really?
Why am I now, suddenly?
I wasn’t before.
Ha.
We all know that.
Why did I let myself become this way? I mean, so shallow… And hollow.
Before, no one wanted what was on the outside, so I had to strive even more to make my mind and… spirit… or whatever… shine.
People thought I was unique and deep, and “If he'd only got to know you, Jenn… You’re just what he’d be looking for” Except the way I looked.
Okay.
I changed so much of my outside, I lost what everyone thought was so special about the rest of me.
I’m not sure I know what it was in the first place.

Fuck.

Who am I now?